


So You’re No Longer a Bow-Wielding Vigilante

by somewhereelse



Series: Guidelines for Reintroduction [5]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 19:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17834363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somewhereelse/pseuds/somewhereelse
Summary: Pre-7.08 Missing Scene.Oliver receives some free sisterly advice on post-vigilante, post-prison life in the form of Thea Queen’s first self-published work. Somehow, he’s less than honored by her thoughtfulness.





	So You’re No Longer a Bow-Wielding Vigilante

**Author's Note:**

> You ever do something while so on the edge of unconsciousness that you don’t remember it? Welcome to this fic.
> 
> Ignore the impossible timey-wimey aspects of international shipping.

Oliver approached the front door cautiously. There was a parcel tossed carelessly against their door. From a few steps away, he could see the tears in the brown packaging, exposing the bubble wrap within. Luckily, it had landed with the label face up, and Oliver hurriedly scooped it off the ground when he recognized Thea’s handwriting, faded and stained in places. 

_Where the hell did she even ship this from?_  he wondered, eying the unfamiliar stamps.

After their call last week, Felicity hadn’t been able to pin them down long enough to establish a connection again, which seemed weird if they were just in eastern Europe, but there was probably some League of Assassins voodoo tied up in it. Finally, he spotted a string of letters and numbers that ended in what might be a country code and frowned. Ukraine was far too close to Russia and the Bratva for his liking, but he didn’t have a say in the matter.

Taking the package inside, he set it on the counter before going to shower and change. Oliver wanted to savor the (he assumed) gift, build the anticipation, maybe even wait for Felicity to open it. Surely, if Thea had bothered to send him something from her travels, she would have included Felicity in it.

Speaking of his wife, Oliver was mildly disappointed, to say the least, that Felicity wasn't home to engage in their usual post-run activities. But she texted him that she needed to pick up some electronic parts, and they’d already kept each other cooped up—and naked—in the apartment for the better part of a week anyway. He couldn’t exactly blame her for stepping out while he himself was out for a run.

The package stayed on his mind while he went through his shower routine. Maybe Felicity, with her well-documented hatred of mysteries, was rubbing off on him in a different way than usual. So when he finished drying off, he secured the towel around his waist and went to prod at the package some more.

Unable to deny his curiosity any longer, he was ripping one of the existing tears in the soft envelope when the front door opened and Felicity slipped through. She spared a glance at the security control panel, and he figured she was about to give him a lecture for not resetting it after coming in. Then she caught sight of him, and her eyes went wide.

“ _Hello_ , sailor.” Felicity waggled her eyebrows at him and dumped her purse and purchases on the kitchen peninsula. She placed her hands on the counter and hopped to get a good look at his lower half. “Well, that’s disappointing.”

Oliver chuckled at her adorable pout and knew his towel was coming loose imminently.

“What’s this?” she asked, her tone immediately wary and suspicious. Did she have an x-ray machine tucked away somewhere? Because Felicity looked ready to toss it through one.

He smiled reassuringly. “Thea sent it. I think from Ukraine. I was trying to wait for you to open it.”

Her response was an excited and impatient look so he quickly tore through the initial layer of packaging to find an absolute brick of bubble wrap mummified by clear packing tape. Felicity rolled her eyes, as if used to Thea’s love of “creative” wrapping for gifts, and handed him a kitchen knife. Oliver took it gratefully but not without a measure of surprise. She handled the sharp objects with much more ease and comfort than previously.

Filing that observation away for later, Oliver sliced through a layer of tape and bubble wrap. Before moving onto the next, he carefully explored the excavation to avoid unintentionally damaging the underlying contents. Five layers later, and he could finally identify an object hiding under just a couple more. Excited, Oliver glanced up at Felicity who was still watching him, her lips turned up in a smile of fond amusement.

“Well? What are you waiting for? Also save me that bubble wrap.”

Oliver hurriedly ripped apart the remaining packaging and grinned when Felicity immediately stole some of it and gleefully popped the bubbles. “Never gets old,” she sighed contently then leaned over the counter to peer at the hardcover book he was turning over in his hands. “What _is_ that?”

“I— I’m not sure,” he answered honestly. His eyebrows drew together as he finally turned the book to its legible configuration. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he groaned after skimming the cover.

“What? What?” she questioned before shuffling around the corner and pressing against his side. Oliver knew when she finished reading because Felicity immediately pressed her lips against his bicep to both soothe him and hide her laughter. “Your sister—”

“Is a piece of work,” he finished even as he lightly traced a finger over the lettering.

 

* * *

  

_**So You’re No Longer a Bow-Wielding Vigilante:** _  
_**A Beginner’s Guide to Starting a Normal Life** _

_Thea Queen_

_Foreword by_ Roy Harper

 

* * *

  

“I am so many adjectives at once,” Felicity practically wheezed once she sort of managed to compose herself. “Amazed? Confused? Impressed? Flummoxed might be the best description. Did Roy really write a foreword?”

Not even sure where to begin, Oliver slid the book over an inch, and she flicked the cover open.

The first page was free of type and instead filled with Thea’s scrawling handwriting.

 

* * *

 

_Dearest brother,_

_I hope you appreciate the time and effort I put into your welcome home present. As I’m sure you don’t, I’m giving Felicity explicit instructions to withhold sex (and now I’m going to have nightmares for putting you and that word in the same sentence) until I receive a thank you card. We’re currently on the move, and I can’t provide an accurate mailing address for the foreseeable future._   

_You’re welcome._

_Love,_  
_Thea_

 

* * *

 

“Ignore that,” Oliver immediately countered. The words flowed out of him in a low, discontent rumble, and Felicity muttered, “Obviously,” as she turned the page.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her jaw drop open and stay frozen for a second. “ _Oh. My. God._ Oliver. Look at this.”

His eyes dropped down to the nearly blank page, and then he had to read the type twice. No wonder Felicity was so gobsmacked. Almost involuntarily, he released a dry chuckle when the words echoed in his head in a very distinctive voice. 

 

* * *

  

**Praise for _So You’re No Longer a Bow-Wielding Vigilante_**

“Very occasionally humorous.”  
—Nyssa al Ghul

 

* * *

  

“You know, I feel like we never did give Thea enough credit for her resourcefulness,” Felicity mused. Off his incredulous look, she rolled her eyes. “I mean, come on, she got the Heir to the Demon, no offense to your bullshit prophecy, to read and comment on a parody of a self-help book she wrote just to roast her big brother. Sure, we haven’t read it yet, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s chock-full of both gentle and blatant mockery.”

Oliver scoffed. “Speak for yourself. I’ve always known exactly what she was capable of. Why do you think I put off telling her about the Arrow for so long?”

“Because you were terrified of her rejection,” Felicity accurately corrected under her breath before turning another page. Oliver shrugged slightly in reluctant acknowledgment then let his eyes drift down to the nearly blank page.

 

* * *

  

**Foreword**

New identities suck.  
—Roy Harper

 

* * *

  

“Huh. Guess Thea _did_ get Roy to write a foreword. As yet another person in our immediate circle with experience with fake identities, he’s not wrong,” Felicity muttered as she started flipping pages.

 

* * *

 

**CHAPTER 1**

**_Non-violent Hobbies That Involve Sharp Objects_ **

1\. Knitting  
2\. Crocheting  
3\. Woodworking  
4\. Archery*  
5\. Knitting**

* Of the non-violent variety.  
** Yes, again. This is me assuming you’ll reach your final evolutionary state as an old woman fussing over her grandchildren.

 

* * *

 

**CHAPTER 2**

**_How to Settle Disputes Without a Voice Modulator and/or a Catchphrase_ **

1\. Felicity is right.

I know. I know _exactly_ what you’re going to say:  
2\. Yeah but—

And I’m here to tell you:  
3\. You’re wrong, buddy.

Which brings me to:  
4\. Felicity is right. _Always._  
5\. Get over it.

 

* * *

 

“Okay, that’s enough of that.” Oliver shut the book and pulled it away from a protesting Felicity.

“Hey! I was reading that!” she objected, stealing the book back from his minimal efforts to keep it in his possession. “Thea’s got some solid ideas here. You should really take some of these under consideration.”

He fixed her with a hard look. “I’m _not_ taking up knitting,” was his deadpan response. 

“But Will needs new mittens. And a hat,” she teased before doing him a favor and closing the book. Felicity turned it over in her hands, studying the dark green fabric cover and gold foil-stamped title. 

He had to admit, it’s a pretty professional job that must have taken the time and effort Thea claimed. Which, if she were somewhere in Ukraine, begged the question of, “Where did she even get someone to make that?”

“Probably any printer in any town with a university,” Felicity answered readily. She caught his look of confused surprise. “What? I may have gone to the Massachusetts Institute of _Technology_ but I still had to get my thesis printed and bound like this. For _whatever_ reason.”

Felicity reached for the book again, but he nudged it out of reach and tried to change the subject. “I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t _that_. I can think of a much better welcome home present.”

Taking advantage of Felicity stretching across him to make grabby hands at the book, Oliver settled her legs around his waist in incredibly short order. She pouted at him even as she gripped his shoulders for the quick trek to their bedroom. Then, one of her hands craftily went to work on his knotted towel, hanging on by less than a prayer.

“Thea’s right. You _are_ ungrateful. I ought to teach you a lesson.”

Oliver smiled, wide and easy, at the flirty promise in her threat. “I’m counting on it. Now _please_ stop talking about my sister.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> No, I am not familiar with MIT’s thesis requirements, nor was I going to _look them up_.


End file.
